Oh no! Wild Billdrill attacked!

New game!!!

Ok, so I invented a game today, and I think it's going to take the world by storm. Here's how to play it:

1. Go watch veritable cinematic masterpiece 'The Lord of the Rings'.
2. Every time somebody says the name 'Saruman', replace it in your head with the name 'Allan'.
3. Enjoy.

Gotta catch em all!

According to my pokedex, this one is a 'pokemon formerly known as pidgey'. Its special powers are: 'Unpronouncable symbol' (lowers enemy attack), 'Platinum album' (automatically deals 30hp damage - super-effective against electric type pokemon), 'Piercing Vocal' (lowers enemy special) and 'Flamboyance' (lowers enemy defence). Who knows what other pokemon lurk out there?

Led Zeppelin

They say music is the food of love. I don't know who 'they' are, and I don't even know if they are right, but I do know what music is. Music is something awesome but which we cannot see, a bit like all the amazing inventions I have invented over the years. They were all brilliant - especially the toaster with an anti-aircraft battery attached - but because I never wrote the plans down or actually built them they CANNOT BE SEEN. Like love. Which feeds off music, apparently. According to my friend David, the Hindenburg was destroyed because they were playing rock music onboard and the power of the rock ignited the gas inside the balloon on top, which as we all know was Methane, a highly flammable gas. I don't believe David though - I read somewhere that the lead the Hindenburg was made from reacted with a hair spray that Muller the German Shepherd dog was wearing (he was a passenger onboard you see). Which brings me neatly onto this week's subject: Led Zeppelin.

I decided to study Led Zeppelin due to the fact that everyone always seems to be talking about them, and I seem to remember liking a song they did called 'Imagination Song', which started off with someone screaming and then talked about 'Ice and snow with hot springs', which sounds really nice. It must have been about a spa or something. So, to start this investigation off, I decided upon my approach to it. I decided that a scientific approach would best unveil the subtle secrets held within the Led Zeppelin myth, because science helped to invent Belgium, a truly great achievement and one of my favourite countries. To this end, I split the name into its component parts , 'Led' and 'Zeppelin'. I looked up the meanings of the words in my dictionary. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I always thought that lead was a base metal that was quite boring, and that it isn't a semi-conductor diode and that it doesn't convert applied voltage to light and that it isn't used in lamps and digital displays. However, the dictionary gave the following definition for led: 'A semi-conductor diode that converts applied voltage to light and is used in lamps and digital displays.' This confused me. Being the thoroughly thorough minded individual that I am, I decided to re-check the spelling. I got it right - L, E, and D. Although confused I also committed this knowledge to memory, because further down it said that a led is 'considerably more efficient than an incandescent bulb'. So I'm going to replace all the incandescent bulbs in my house with leds. My top tip to you people this week is don't do this, because then I'll be special.

Anyway, continuing with my methodical approach, I looked up the meaning of the word Zeppelin. The definition was this: 'A rigid airship having a long cylindrical body supported by internal gas cells'. At this moment I am tempted to compare a Zeppelin to John Prescott, but I am a man of more taste than that, and would never imply that the former deputy Prime Minister and now LORD of all things is not the size of a Zeppelin. So, essentially, the literal meaning of Led Zeppelin is 'A semi-conductor diode that converts applied voltage to light and is used in lamps and digital displays and is considerably more efficient than an incandescent bulb rigid airship having a long cylindrical body supported by internal gas cells'. There is no way I would have arrived at such an incisive and straight-to-the-point conclusion as this if I hadn't taken the scientific approach, which means I am indeed a wonderful human being. This should have been the end of my investigation, but then someone complained and said that science isn't as good as I think it is, and that I should listen to the music itself and make a verdict. Well, I'll show you, Norman Goebbels! I'm sorry listeners, I digress - Norman Goebbels is my neighbour.

Luckily for you people, I decided to prove Norman wrong, so I delved further. After having established the meaning behind the band with my scientifically proven scientific approach, it was time to investigate the band themselves. Their manager is called Count Ferdinand Von Zeppelin, who designed and built the band in 1900. I myself can be a bit slow when working, but apparently Led Zeppelin didn't release an album until 1969. 1969! I can't believe it took them 69 years to write a poxy 9 songs, some of which are covers! Anyway, no-one cared because their manager had fantastic facial hair.

So, Led Zeppelin kept naming their albums after numbers, until they got to 'Houses of the Holy'. And I'm afraid this album proves the band are liars. Firstly, with this name, I expected songs which worshipped a holy being, and none of them do (except for the rain song and perhaps 'the Ocean', which could be a veiled reference to a quite well-known religion which meets in Staines and worships the Atlantic Ocean. This allegation has never been proven). Secondly, they said at the beginning of the album that 'the Song Remains the Same', which I was pleased by because I liked that song. But it didn't stay the same; in fact every song was different(don't worry though, because I am in the process of contacting my lawyers to see how much we can sue Led Zeppelin for on account of this blatant lie). And then the crowning stain on the face of Led Zeppelin's chief guitarist, the Edge, is the fact that they have covered a traditional religious song called 'the Rain Song'. However, whereas this song induces rain to fall when sung by a practitioner of precipitationism, in the hands of Zeppelin singer Johnny Rotten this song fails to bring a tear to the eye of Kate Winslet at an awards ceremony.

So there is my investigation. I feel the scientific approach worked best in this investigation, and I'll be looking into it more for the future. As it stands now though I am too disgusted with this band to talk of them further. Now I know why my Dad used to say 'don't buy Led Zeppelin's albums'. With this in mind, I'll leave you with a saying my Dad had:

'Don't buy Led Zeppelin's albums unless you have a particularly fine stilton to plug your ears with.'