Wednesday 13 April 2011

Oh no! Wild Billdrill attacked!

Tuesday 12 April 2011

New game!!!

Ok, so I invented a game today, and I think it's going to take the world by storm. Here's how to play it:

  1. Go watch veritable cinematic masterpiece 'The Lord of the Rings'.
  2. Every time somebody says the name 'Saruman', replace it in your head with the name 'Allan'.
  3. Enjoy.

Gotta catch em all!

According to my pokedex, this one is a 'pokemon formerly known as pidgey'. Its special powers are: 'Unpronouncable symbol' (lowers enemy attack), 'Platinum album' (automatically deals 30hp damage - super-effective against electric type pokemon), 'Piercing Vocal' (lowers enemy special) and 'Flamboyance' (lowers enemy defence). Who knows what other pokemon lurk out there?

Monday 11 April 2011

Led Zeppelin

They say music is the food of love. I don't know who 'they' are, and I don't even know if they are right, but I do know what music is. Music is something awesome but which we cannot see, a bit like all the amazing inventions I have invented over the years. They were all brilliant - especially the toaster with an anti-aircraft battery attached - but because I never wrote the plans down or actually built them they CANNOT BE SEEN. Like love. Which feeds off music, apparently. According to my friend David, the Hindenburg was destroyed because they were playing rock music onboard and the power of the rock ignited the gas inside the balloon on top, which as we all know was Methane, a highly flammable gas. I don't believe David though - I read somewhere that the lead the Hindenburg was made from reacted with a hair spray that Muller the German Shepherd dog was wearing (he was a passenger onboard you see). Which brings me neatly onto this week's subject: Led Zeppelin.

I decided to study Led Zeppelin due to the fact that everyone always seems to be talking about them, and I seem to remember liking a song they did called 'Imagination Song', which started off with someone screaming and then talked about 'Ice and snow with hot springs', which sounds really nice. It must have been about a spa or something. So, to start this investigation off, I decided upon my approach to it. I decided that a scientific approach would best unveil the subtle secrets held within the Led Zeppelin myth, because science helped to invent Belgium, a truly great achievement and one of my favourite countries. To this end, I split the name into its component parts , 'Led' and 'Zeppelin'. I looked up the meanings of the words in my dictionary. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I always thought that lead was a base metal that was quite boring, and that it isn't a semi-conductor diode and that it doesn't convert applied voltage to light and that it isn't used in lamps and digital displays. However, the dictionary gave the following definition for led: 'A semi-conductor diode that converts applied voltage to light and is used in lamps and digital displays.' This confused me. Being the thoroughly thorough minded individual that I am, I decided to re-check the spelling. I got it right - L, E, and D. Although confused I also committed this knowledge to memory, because further down it said that a led is 'considerably more efficient than an incandescent bulb'. So I'm going to replace all the incandescent bulbs in my house with leds. My top tip to you people this week is don't do this, because then I'll be special.

Anyway, continuing with my methodical approach, I looked up the meaning of the word Zeppelin. The definition was this: 'A rigid airship having a long cylindrical body supported by internal gas cells'. At this moment I am tempted to compare a Zeppelin to John Prescott, but I am a man of more taste than that, and would never imply that the former deputy Prime Minister and now LORD of all things is not the size of a Zeppelin. So, essentially, the literal meaning of Led Zeppelin is 'A semi-conductor diode that converts applied voltage to light and is used in lamps and digital displays and is considerably more efficient than an incandescent bulb rigid airship having a long cylindrical body supported by internal gas cells'. There is no way I would have arrived at such an incisive and straight-to-the-point conclusion as this if I hadn't taken the scientific approach, which means I am indeed a wonderful human being. This should have been the end of my investigation, but then someone complained and said that science isn't as good as I think it is, and that I should listen to the music itself and make a verdict. Well, I'll show you, Norman Goebbels! I'm sorry listeners, I digress - Norman Goebbels is my neighbour.

Luckily for you people, I decided to prove Norman wrong, so I delved further. After having established the meaning behind the band with my scientifically proven scientific approach, it was time to investigate the band themselves. Their manager is called Count Ferdinand Von Zeppelin, who designed and built the band in 1900. I myself can be a bit slow when working, but apparently Led Zeppelin didn't release an album until 1969. 1969! I can't believe it took them 69 years to write a poxy 9 songs, some of which are covers! Anyway, no-one cared because their manager had fantastic facial hair.

So, Led Zeppelin kept naming their albums after numbers, until they got to 'Houses of the Holy'. And I'm afraid this album proves the band are liars. Firstly, with this name, I expected songs which worshipped a holy being, and none of them do (except for the rain song and perhaps 'the Ocean', which could be a veiled reference to a quite well-known religion which meets in Staines and worships the Atlantic Ocean. This allegation has never been proven). Secondly, they said at the beginning of the album that 'the Song Remains the Same', which I was pleased by because I liked that song. But it didn't stay the same; in fact every song was different(don't worry though, because I am in the process of contacting my lawyers to see how much we can sue Led Zeppelin for on account of this blatant lie). And then the crowning stain on the face of Led Zeppelin's chief guitarist, the Edge, is the fact that they have covered a traditional religious song called 'the Rain Song'. However, whereas this song induces rain to fall when sung by a practitioner of precipitationism, in the hands of Zeppelin singer Johnny Rotten this song fails to bring a tear to the eye of Kate Winslet at an awards ceremony.

So there is my investigation. I feel the scientific approach worked best in this investigation, and I'll be looking into it more for the future. As it stands now though I am too disgusted with this band to talk of them further. Now I know why my Dad used to say 'don't buy Led Zeppelin's albums'. With this in mind, I'll leave you with a saying my Dad had:
'Don't buy Led Zeppelin's albums unless you have a particularly fine stilton to plug your ears with.'

Thursday 31 March 2011

Public Nudity (see, I told you)

At certain times in a man's life, he is confronted with decisions. A big one in every man's life is whether or not he should give his bank account details to the nice people at the Nigerian People's Lottery (I'm still waiting Nigerian People's Lottery!). Another decision all of us with a Y chromosome, and some of those other people who have two Y chromosomes like James Hetfield of Metallica fame, must make is whether or not we should wear clothes in the morning. While I am informed that James Hetfield of Metallica fame rarely chooses clothes, so far during my time on the planet I have decided that clothes have been preferential to the alternative of public nudity.
                With this in mind, I decided that last Thursday was the perfect time to try public nudity out. I steeled myself the preceding Wednesday night, confident of a positive and life-affirming nude experience, like the positive and life-affirming experience James Hetfield of Metallica fame had while in rehab. I went to sleep with baited breath, which meant I woke up gasping for air a few times, but was a sign of how excited I was. Just like James Hetfield of Metallica fame before a shower, or even lesser exciting things like going on stage. With all the excitement it took me at least 25 minutes and 15 seconds approximately to fall asleep. I think this could be more to do with my bed though. I bought it from a garden centre for a very reasonable price. It said 'plant bedding' on the label, but I assumed what's good for a triffid is good for the gander, and therefore me. One drawback is that when I wake up in the morning about 5% of my bed is stuck to my skin, but one brush down and a shower later and I'm clean again. So after eating my weetabix, I was fully prepared for the day of public nudity that lay ahead, and started thinking of all the great conversations that could be started with people enquiring about my nudity. I knew it would be a great way to meet girls. But this got me thinking...
                What do girls love apart from nudity? Well, the answer is James Hetfield of Metallica fame, but apart from that what else? Why, SPACE OF COURSE! So I decided my original investigation would have to be put on hold while I scored scores of chicks in my soon-to-be astronaut suit. Did you know in Russia they are called 'Cosmonauts'? And that originally David Bowie was an astronaut called Tom, but changed his name because it had more 'star power'? Ha! That zany vegetarian. Anyway, after searching all of my house I had the most awful realisation: I don't actually own a spacesuit. I sat down and remembered what my dad always used to say: 'when in doubt, use a dremel multi-tool.  And if you don't have one, use tinfoil.' OF COURSE! The answer was right there (thanks dad!). So I went in my garage and looked for my dremel multi-tool, which it turned out I hadn't gotten round to buying. So I quickly loaded up my PC and bought one from Amazon, and all this while still in the nude. Take that, society!
                Still, this didn't solve the problem of the Space suit. The only thing to do here was remember my dad's second favourite thing, tin foil. I had heard of make-believe space suits made out of tin foil, so I decided I would head down to Tesco's and purchase some to fashion a temporary space suit until my Dremel multi-tool arrived (which I have on Amazon Prime, which for the uninformed is a service providing next day delivery. I am told James Hetfield of Metallica fame endorses the service, so it must be good.) Anyway, I headed out of my door to see the postman. He looked at me in an odd way, which wasn't unusual since the last time I saw him I told him to 'get lost and take your damned letters with you. Who do you think I am? Do you think I WANT all those bills? NO! Take them back you foul demon spawn in shorts!' So I avoided him as best I could, and vaulted the gate in a charming, boyish way. I did this because girls love charm and boyishness, so I thought I'd get a head start on the space suit plan. Imagine if any girl who saw me do that saw me in the space suit; she's be all like 'wow! A guy who is charming and boyish, and who loves space! He's perfect!' Ha, I can't believe all the chicks I'll be scoring soon. So anyway, I wandered on down to Tesco's, and waltzed boyishly up to a staff member and asked where the tin foil was. They looked worried and startled, but pointed me to the relevant section. When I got there I noticed an array of tin foil sizes, so I picked the biggest and decided to try it on for size. I ripped off a bit and put it on my head, only to be grabbed around the arm by a burly and not very boyish security guard. In fact, he was so un-boyish and so un-charming he reminded me of James Hetfield of Metallica fame. He put me into a small room, in spite of my protests about scoring chicks with my space suit plan. It made perfect sense - why would a man in the nude with a tin foil helmet look suspicious? Clearly a man dressed in such a fashion is out for women. Anyway, the next thing I knew I was being escorted to a farm! And not just any farm - the people who escorted me kept calling it a 'funny farm'.
                Turned out this place wasn't funny at all. They kept injecting me and things, and it took an awfully long time before my mother came and got me out. So, the only thing I managed to find out this week was that security guards aren't boyish or charming, and they don't like people who are. So take my advice: always, always go to Tesco's while fully clothed. If you don't, you won't have a pocket for your Dremel multi-tool.

Welcome!

Congratulations! If you have found this blog, you are one of the small percentage of the human population of this lush blue (and lets face it, green, brown and white) planet that realises the mainstream media isn't providing answers to questions we have about important subjects such as public nudity, Led Zeppelin and so much more.

This blog is a veritable oasis in a desert of non-information designed to bring you these answers in an informal and friendly way, and invites you to see the world through the eyes of it's creator (a man so clever he has been twice headhunted by the original ideas department of the Illumanati and actually became modestly rich by selling ice to the eskimos). So relax, sit back, loosen off that belt buckle and open your eyes to the REAL world!